Expensive Diary,
I did NOT have the birthday of my desires final weekend! Everybody is aware of that 79 is the tank birthday. One is paper, 77 is emoluments, 78 you get to destroy one constitutional modification of your selecting, 80 you get to change into the state, however 79 is tanks, and I used to be so wanting ahead to my tank birthday.
I assumed it was fairly clear what I needed. However clearly, it wasn’t!!! This was just like the sort of tank parade your mother makes you lovingly from scratch, and I needed the sort of tank parade that’s made in China or North Korea. I don’t desire a particular American tank parade the place our troopers are waving and smiling out of the tanks. I would like one like my buddies have.
I needed tanks, however I obtained OLD tanks. I needed marching, however I obtained the mistaken sort of marching, the place they didn’t even do the little high-kick factor. I needed thousands and thousands of individuals to come back out and cheer and maintain up photos of my face they usually did, however all of them went to the mistaken locations.
What does a president should do to get the proper of birthday tank parade? I’ve been dispatching troops to American cities and Stephen Miller is overtly speculating about rolling again habeas corpus; it isn’t even delicate at this level what sort of authorities I’m going for!
My parade was simply terrible. It was all in regards to the Military, which, okay, is popping 250, however solely within the literal sense. First, a man dressed as George Washington rode by on a horse. I don’t know why we make such an enormous fuss about this outdated toothless man who gave up energy on function. We used to have a king, and now we don’t, and it’s all due to this loser! Additionally, he was clearly sporting a wig. Additionally they retold a part of the plot of the musical Hamilton, which felt like a private affront.
Then Civil Conflict troopers marched by, however they had been within the WRONG COLOR uniform, not the one worn by the oldsters who all our greatest forts are named for, however the blue one. That is the Military’s DEI at work once more.
All through the parade, they saved making an attempt to inform us enjoyable details about historical past. Do I appear to be somebody who needs a historical past lesson? No! I’m any individual who needs to repeat historical past, not any individual who needs to study it.
It was sponsored by Palantir, which was SOMETHING, I assume.
I had been pondering extra alongside the strains of: Somebody comes out to sing the nationwide anthem after which stops, winks, turns to me, and begins singing “Glad Birthday” in a breathy voice as a substitute. Then the Military rolls up with an unlimited cake. However wait, what’s that within the cake? Might or not it’s? I reduce into the cake with an enormous sword to disclose A BRAND-NEW TANK! (Whoever finds the tank within the cake will get to be king for all times!) Everybody claps.
Whoa! What’s that, parachuting out of the sky? It’s one other tank, like within the Quick and the Livid collection of movies! And who’s that, lifting the lid of the tank? It’s the pope!
“Sorry,” he says. “It was all a joke about me being pope. Right here, attempt on my pointy white hat! I do know you like a sharp white hat! You may be a fantastic pope. The perfect pope.” Then the tank releases particular red-white-and-blue smoke to point {that a} new, higher pope has been chosen: purple for MAGA, white for pope, and blue to point that the pope is a boy.
Then they sing “Reminiscences,” from the musical CATS! William McKinley rides by on a tariff and offers me a thumbs-up!
Then the Military goes by, however greater and extra excited this time. They’re lastly doing the high-kick factor! Then my dad climbs out of the tank and says, “The outlet in you that has by no means been crammed is full now!” and whispers, “I’ve a particular shock for you, my greatest boy! Look out your window, Donald, and see!” I run to the window and it’s the ’80s once more! Lastly! All over the place I look there are flags, and so many {dollars}, and a bald eagle, and an oil properly spouting for pleasure. I’m the president, and the pope, and the tank has made me king for all times! It’s the greatest birthday ever!
For sure, that is NOT what occurred.
They’d higher do higher for my eightieth.