If I had been an actual biking journalist I’d in all probability be selecting a “Bike Of The 12 months” proper now, which might in all probability be the Rivendell Roadini:
Not solely is it versatile and cozy, nevertheless it’s additionally one among (if not the) final remaining regular non-custom highway bike nonetheless in manufacturing wherever on Earth.
However who the hell desires a motorcycle like that in 2025? The place’s the downtube storage compartment? Are you able to even put a suspension fork on there? And the way the hell are you imagined to cease it with out disc brakes?!?
So let’s select a Bike Of The 12 months higher suited to the fashionable shopper from among the many many new fashions I’ve featured in 2025 regardless of by no means having ridden them and even seen them in particular person.
Right here goes:
This daring new gravel bicycle fills me with satisfaction, for at a time when antisemitism is as soon as once more rearing its hideous head in Western tradition, the Ari Shafer stands tall and wears its heritage resolutely on its sleeve.
Oh wait, no it doesn’t:
So “Ari” is brief for “Fezzari,” and Shafer is a path in Utah?
That’s probably the most goyishe factor I’ve ever heard! Screw them, I take all of it again. Although it does have “rider-centric geometry,” and it’s about time, too, as a result of I purchased a motorcycle with pet-centric geometry not too long ago and it was a complete waste as a result of my cat gained’t even journey it.
In 2025 there gave the impression to be no center floor between plastic-and-electronic technical wonders and self-consciously retro boutique choices. Enter Surly, an organization that way back ditched the utilitarian for the soporific. Not solely did they discover that center floor, however additionally they constructed a Consolation Inn on it, put a Do Not Disturb signal on each door deal with, and rocked us all gently to sleep.
Significantly, this factor is deeply and profoundly boring. If Skechers Fingers Free Slip-ins™ had been a motorcycle, the brand new Straggler could be it. The one factor even mildly provocative about it’s the aesthetically unappealing hot-dog-in-a-hallway fork/headtube junction:
However even that’s boring, because the objective isn’t to offend you, it’s merely as a result of* they couldn’t be bothered to please you.
*(And for suspension fork compatibility, making this maybe the one bicycle on the planet that might look higher with a suspension fork…with the potential exception of the Trek Y-Foil, although I notice it’s extremely controversial to counsel a Y-Foil can ever look good.)
Unveiled with a lot fanfare, and Jesus-carrying, the Grizl is every part the Straggler shouldn’t be. Besides boring. They’re each very, very boring. However the Grizl is a special form of boring. It’s not khaki pants boring; it’s the boring of somebody who’s making an attempt too arduous to not be boring. It’s boring doubling over on itself and giving itself fellatio. It’s boring just like the handsome common one who will get invited to all of the events and wears all the proper garments and will get heaps and plenty of textual content messages and but has no actual persona is boring, and I guess the Grizl cries itself to sleep each night time as a result of deep down it is aware of how actually boring it’s, similar to the handsome common particular person does.
Aethos 2
5 years in the past now, once they launched the Aethos after years of promoting misshapen bicycles, Specialised had the audacity to fake they invented highway bikes with spherical tubes. Now there’s an “Aethos 2,” and it’s “impossibly responsive, supple, and elegant.” This raises an necessary query:
HOW THE HELL CAN SOMETHING BE “IMPOSSIBLY RESPONSIVE?”
Wouldn’t “impossibly responsive” imply it’s unable to reply? There’s one other phrase for that, :
It’s the epitome of the impossibility of response.
The bike firms have educated the media effectively, and when Trek unveiled the CheckOUT you wanted waders to make your method by means of all of the drool. In fact, regardless that you’ll be able to’t ever hope to say its full identify ten occasions quick, the Test TrekOUT is really a exceptional bicycle, as a result of it’s simply probably the most store-bought factor on two wheels ever. From the strategically edgy paint job to the Travis Bickle-inspired sliding downtube-mounted drawer tracks to the rear rack that comes crooked straight from the manufacturing facility, the Trek CheckOUT is like spending $1,490 $745 for a pair of patched denims:
By the way in which, that’s an excellent deal on these denims! So I purchased two. I truly saved cash!
Hideous in each method, it’s the bicycle we deserve, and I don’t imply that in a great way.
Between the Issue One and the Ethos 2, the bike trade appears decided to insult you at each flip.
Due to this fact, I’m hereby giving the award to the Kent Filth Runner:
All it wants is a pair of Rene Herse tires.